


the hope of it all

by ben76



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bittersweet, M/M, jane/carlos in first chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:13:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28876998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ben76/pseuds/ben76
Summary: Carlos makes a mistake and has to face the consequences, but maybe things will work out for the better? A Taylor Swift songfic (kind of) based on the betty saga from folklore, where Carlos is James, Jay is Betty, and Jane is August.
Relationships: Jay/Carlos de Vil, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Kudos: 15





	1. august

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to my self indulgent taylor swift songfic that is unnecessarily poetic, thanks for coming.

_But I can see us lost in the memory_   
_August slipped away into a moment in time_   
_'Cause it was never mine_

...

_Back when I was livin' for the hope of it all_

\---

When Carlos De Vil asked Jane to prom, she thought she must have misheard him. The second time he said it, she thought perhaps this was some sort of practical joke on her. When he insisted that it was not, she thought that perhaps she was dreaming but pinching herself only yielded pain. 

“So?” Carlos repeated, waiting for an answer.

“Of course,” Jane said, trying to keep her voice casual, “I’d love to.”

Carlos smiled nervously, “okay. Cool. It’s a date.”

Jane smiled, already repeating “it’s a date” in her mind over and over again. She, Jane, was going to prom with Carlos and it was a date. She had to pinch herself again just to make sure the first one wasn’t a fluke.

It wasn’t.

\---

“Isn’t he gay?” Lonnie said after hearing Jane’s good news, a sentiment that she had heard from Lonnie before when Jane had confessed that she thought Carlos was cute. Back then, she had believed Lonnie, now... Well, he couldn’t be. Right?

“I don’t know where you got that,” Jane said, exasperated. “He said it’s a date.”

Lonnie shrugged, “just the vibes I get from him, I could be wrong.”

“You are,” Jane insisted, “just because he doesn’t date around like Jay doesn’t mean he doesn’t like girls. He’s just sensitive.”

Lonnie raised her eyebrows skeptically, but didn’t say another word on the subject. She perked up as she said, “I guess that means we’re going dress shopping together, then?”

“Of course,” Jane said, already dreaming up how beautiful she would look and the look on Carlos’s face when he saw her. Just like a movie.

\---

Jane was not the type of girl to get caught up in fantasies about romance and dating, she was way too busy for that sort of stuff. She had crushes, sure, but they were little fleeting thoughts in her mind full of extracurricular activities. Originally, she was planning on going to the prom alone, too busy planning it all to care about enjoying it herself. Then Carlos asked her, and suddenly it was all she cared about.

Well, almost all she cared about. She would have had to be blind and death to not notice how everyone seemed to be discussing her imminent date. Not one to be involved in hallway gossip, this newfound attention was unnerving to Jane despite the constant reassurance from her friends. Except for Mal, who when hearing about the date had only managed to muster up a weak congratulations.

Jane tried not to think about that considering Mal’s close relationship with Carlos. She also didn’t think about the apparent “falling out” between Carlos and Jay, who Carlos was once attached at the hip with. Why would she think about it, it didn’t have anything to do with her.

Right?

\---

Carlos’s eyes did light up as Jane stepped out all dolled up for prom night. After a lot of help from Evie, Jane barely recognised herself in the mirror but she was clearly gorgeous if the look on the boys’ face was any indication. Carlos was Jane’s date, but their prom party was the same either way with Jay, Ben, and Doug standing with Carlos as the girls made their grand entrance.

Evie had insisted on the drama, despite Mal and Lonnie’s insistence that it was so old fashioned and bordering on sexist. Evie had a vision, she insisted, and she wasn’t going to let modern ideas get in the way.

“Wow,” Carlos said as Jane approached him, “you look... amazing.”

“Thank you,” Jane said quietly as Carlos slipped a corsage on her wrist, blue flowers to match her dress. “You look pretty good yourself.”

Carlos smiled nervously, “thanks.”

Their moment was broken as Evie’s mom insisted on pictures, forcing them all to line up in front of the door. Jane noticed how Ben and Doug had wrapped their arms around Mal and Evie and felt the absence of Carlos’s own arms around her. It didn’t matter, those two pairs had been dating for months now. Carlos and Jane were new, they would figure it out eventually.

\---

Jane had photos of prom night pinned up on her corkboard in her college dorm room, years or so later, of all of them dancing the night away or making silly faces for Mal’s small polaroid camera. Her memories of the night consisted of only happiness, and despite the way things worked out, she never wanted to forget them.

\---

Carlos never kissed Jane, and Jane never tried to kiss him despite spending practically every moment of the summer before their senior year together. She would have called him her boyfriend if anyone had asked, but it was never really official. Their “dates” were mostly them hanging out on the beach or in her room while she prepared for college essays. Being with him was easy, exactly how Jane imagined dating someone would be like if only with less fireworks. 

Sometimes, they’d watch a movie and fall asleep beside each other. Jane loved these moments the most, the quiet tenderness of watching Carlos sleep beside her when she woke up. In these moments, with his arm sloppily thrown around her, it was easy to forget her doubts about what they were. He seemed to like her enough.

\---

“Okay, my turn,” Jane said, laying on her back with her head in Carlos’s lap. The sound of the water lapping at the shore in the background as they sat on her blueberry pattern blanket playing a game of would you rather. “Would you rather listen to Snow White read the entirety of an SAT prep book to you or have to sit through a sensual dance routine performed by Harry?”

Carlos laughed, “how do you think of this stuff? I don’t know... I guess I could use the SAT prep book, so I’ll go with that one although now I’ll never be able to get the picture of Harry dancing out of my head. So, thanks for that, I guess.”

“Good answer,” Jane said, “although I imagine that listening to Snow White would take days out of your life, you know.”

“Well, can I do something else while I listen?” Carlos asked.

“Hm... I don’t think so,” Jane said, “that would make it too easy.”

“Come on,” Carlos groaned.

“That’s the point of the game, Carlos,” Jane said in a sign song tone, looking up at him. “It’s not supposed to be two good things.”

“Well, how about this,” Carlos said, pondering something for a moment. “Would you rather get into your dream school or... meet your soulmate?”

Jane paused, considering those options. “What do you mean by soulmate?”

“Like, if they were real,” Carlos said, “and one person was destined for you, would rather meet that person or get into your dream school.”

“And if not, I’d never meet them,” Jane asked.

Carlos nodded, “you’d still fall in love maybe, just not with your soulmate.”

“Well, what’s the point then,” Jane said, “if I could fall in love with someone who is not my soulmate?”

“It wouldn’t be the same,” Carlos said, looking out at the water instead of at her, “something would always feel like it was missing.”

Jane frowned, sitting up and turning to him, “do you believe in soulmates?”

Carlos looked at her, seemingly surprised by this line of questioning, “uh. No, of course not. It’s a hypothetical.”

“Well,” Jane said with a smile, “I’d choose the soulmate, any education is good enough, but I’d hate to feel like something was missing for the rest of my life.”

“What if the other option was any school?” Carlos asked. “Soulmate or a degree.”

“Okay, I get your point,” Jane said with a laugh, “it’s equally as hard to choose between two good things.”

“You didn’t answer,” Carlos said, laughing unconvincingly to cover his serious tone.

Jane, confused by the moment, shrugged and scooted up close to him so their shoulders were touching, “I think I’d pick school, I can fall in love with anyone, right?”

“Right,” Carlos said, sounding almost disappointed. “I guess you're right.”

\---

The last weekend before school started, they went camping. The tents were split between the girls and the boys, with Jane sharing the space with Mal and Evie. Despite their friendliness, Jane still felt like a third wheel around the two of them. Especially as they whispered the night away just quiet enough that Jane couldn’t hear.

So, the second night, after a rousing game of Never Have I Ever around a campfire that Jane won by a landslide, Jane pulled Carlos aside to procrastinate joining the other two girls in the tent.

“Everything okay?” Carlos asked as they walked into the words with his phone as a flashlight.

“Yeah,” Jane said, “I just wanted more alone time with you.”

She tried to sound flirty when she said it, but Carlos’s silence made her wonder how successful she had been. “It’s just that Mal and Evie are so close, it feels weird to share a tent with them when I’m a nobody.”

“You’re not a nobody,” Carlos said, squeezing her hand. “Don’t mind them, they’ve known each other forever...”

He trailed off, seemingly distracted by something in his head. Jane watched him, waiting for him to go on but he never did. They found a fallen tree to sit on, and Jane couldn’t help but think that now would be a great time for him to kiss her.

“I think you’re the only one who wants me here,” Jane said quietly, playing with Carlos’s fingers in her hand. 

“Don’t say that,” Carlos said, coming back from whatever plane of existence he had gone to. He pulled Jane’s hand to hime, pressing it against his chest. “Everyone loves you, Jane. How could they not? You’re so nice, and funny. And of course, gorgeous.”

Jane didn’t know what to say to that, she couldn’t really believe anyone would say all that about her and she really really wanted him to kiss her. She stuttered out a “really?” as he pressed her hand against his lip for the briefest of moments and she sent out a quick prayer that it would be her lips next.

“Of course,” Carlos said, “why else would I spend so much time with you?”

He was teasing her now, the sentimental moment passed without much fanfare. Jane hit him on the shoulder playfully, although part of her wanted to yell at him. What were they doing? Why hadn’t he kissed her yet?

“You’re the worst,” she muttered, acting offended as she cuddled up beside him. “What if we just slept out here, on this log?”

“And get eaten by wolves?” Carlos whispered, “I don’t think so.”

Jane laughed, “we wouldn’t get eaten, I can protect us.”

“Oh, of course, how could I forget your super strength,” he teased, jostling her a bit. 

They talked, their back and forth banter, and all Jane could think about is how he didn’t kiss her a few moments earlier. How he didn’t kiss her on prom night, or in Jane’s room when her mom was gone, or at the lake when they’d stay out past dark and stare at the stars.

Was there something wrong with her?

\---

The stars were the brightest by the lake, far from the pollution of town, and Jane had recently gotten into astronomy so the two of them had gotten into a routine of spending nights laying on the beach. Jane would point out various astronomical sights, naming all the constellations she learned since the last time they stargazed and Carlos would listen patiently.

They would lie close enough that they’re shoulders were touching, and sometimes Jane would look over at Carlos at the same time he turned his head to look at Jane. Their faces would be so close, and yet Carlos would just look away quickly as if their proximity burned. Jane liked to linger in that position for a moment, giving Carlos a second chance, but he never took it.

\---

The last night of the camping trip, Jane insisted that they go stargazing. 

“I bet the stars look amazing,” Jane said, glancing up at the tree covered sky. She could tell the stars were bright, seeing them shine through the foliage.

“I like it,” Evie announced, “sounds romantic.”

She cuddled close to Doug, giving him heart eyes that made Jane have to look away. Jane was just glad Evie was in, because once Evie wanted something, she usually got it. It didn’t take much convincing after that to get the six of them out to a small clearing Jane had found for them.

They lay out blankets, one for each of the pairs and settled down. It was silent for a while, Jane could hear whispering between the other two couples and it just made the silence between her and Carlos even louder.

“Do you remember any of the constellations I showed you,” Jane said, getting close to where Carlos sat upright on the blanket. He had been acting off since they’re conversation the other night, and Jane was getting a little desperate to figure out why.

“Hm, I might need a refresher,” he said. He stared up at the sky for a moment before pointing out a group of stars. “Is that one?”

“Uhhh,” Jane said, pretending she didn’t know which one he was pointing to so she could go right up beside him. Pressing her face to his so they shared the same perspective, “I see. Yep, what is it called?”

She didn’t move as she asked, but Carlos did. He shifted away from her as he consider the question.

“Is that a dipper?” He asked.

“Ding ding ding,” Jane smiled, thinking that if she was Mal or Evie maybe she’d just kiss him now as a reward for getting the answer right. “You’re right, which one though?”

Carlos just laughed, shaking his head, “I can’t tell the difference.”

“It’s the little dipper,” Jane said. “You can tell because the little dipper has a lid on it.”

“A lid?” Carlos said, squinting up at the sky cutely, “I guess.”

Jane shrugged, “that’s what the book said.”

“Ah, of course,” Carlos said, smiling at her. “You’re so smart.”

Jane blushed, “well, I try.”

He smiled at her, holding her gaze for a moment. It was quiet, the others had stopped whispering. They were probably kissing, Jane thought. Maybe now was the time, she thought. 

She shifted a little closer to him again, keeping his gaze. Then closer, thinking that this was it. They were finally going to kiss, they were going to be real girlfriend and boyfriend. Just a little bit closer....

He looked away, notably shifting further from her.

She couldn’t help herself, she let out an annoyed sigh. 

“I’m sorry,” Carlos said, looking down at his hands. “You’re the most amazing person I know... I’m sorry.”

That was all he said before getting up and walking away, leaving Jane alone and confused.

\---

If you would have asked Jane in the middle of that summer, back when things were still whimsical and hopeful, if she thought Carlos was her soulmate she would have said no. She was a practical person who didn’t believe in soulmates, but did she think that Carlos could have been the one? Maybe. 

But maybe he was just someone she could fall in love with for a summer.


	2. betty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was the difficult one for me, so i hope the vibes are delivered correctly. cardigan up soon :)

_ The worst thing that I ever did  
Was what I did to you _

_... _

_ I'm only 17, I don't know anything  
But I know I miss you _

\---

Jay was back. 

Carlos sat at his bedroom window, watching Jay leave his car and pretending that he didn’t want him to cross the yard to his house. He didn’t, he didn’t even look up at Carlos’s window before entering his own house after his father.

It was like they were nothing but strangers.

\---

After the camping trip, Carlos had hidden in his house for the rest of the summer so the idea of going back to school felt impossible. He had gotten messages from Mal and Evie, questions about what happened mixed with words of comfort when it became apparent that he and Jane were over. He didn’t deserve words of comfort, though, so he didn’t respond.

On the first day back, Evie hugged Carlos like someone had died, which just made things worse as the clock continued to tick toward homeroom and Jay. The memory of Jay's grin as he slapped his schedule on the table in front of Carlos, showing off their matching homerooms, haunted Carlos like a nightmare now. At the moment, Carlo had grinned along with him, excited at the prospect of spending every morning of his senior year with his best friend. 

Carlos couldn't help but notice how no one had mentioned Jay once as they ran through their first day of school greetings, even though he knew Mal must have seen him already. Carlos was thankful, although he was dying to know if Jay had asked about him. He probably didn't want to know anyway, he thought as he split to head for homeroom.

And Jay.

\---

The clock kept ticking, each tick sounding like a bomb going off, but as the hand crept closer and closer to the hour Jay never appeared. The teacher started the announcements right on the dot and Carlos wanted to tell her to wait, that there was one more student, but he had a feeling there was not.

\---

Jay had switched homerooms, or at least that's what Mal told Carlos a couple days into the semester. She looked apologetic as she said it, which didn't make sense because of course he did. Carlos would have too. Now, he only saw Jay in the hallways between periods, laughing with his soccer friends. Jay never seemed to notice him though, which was probably for the best.

The year was getting off to a rough start, Carlos was mostly friendless since his only friends were also friends with the two people who he had hurt. It was hard to hang out with someone when you knew that they probably hated you, even if you did deserve it. So, outside of lunch and brief interactions in the hallways, Carlos was alone.

Which gave him a lot of time to think about where things had gone so terribly wrong.

\---

They all went to prom together, having already made plans before Carlos threw an atomic bomb into their friendship. Cancelling the plans would have made it too obvious, Carlos knew, but he still wished that Jay would have thought of some excuse to get out of it. Jane was friends with Mal and Evie, so Carlos had no excuse, but Jay didn’t even have a date. Couldn’t he have just skipped the event all together?

Obviously that would have been too much to ask of him, which is why Carlos didn’t. Along with the fact that they weren’t talking anymore.

At the dance, Carlos just wanted to leave. The hope for the night that he had gotten after seeing Jane in her dress, so gorgeous that he thought for a moment he could convince himself to like her like she thought he did, was gone after ten minutes of dancing with his friends. He couldn’t stop watching Jay, who didn’t dance with the girls that constantly circled him. Instead, Carlos couldn’t help but notice how he seemed to stay by the side of one of his soccer friends.

Carlos wanted to look as happy as he did, or as happy as Jane did. Or really as happy as anyone in that gymnasium looked.

\---

“Are you never going to talk to Jay again,” Evie said a couple weeks into the semester, joining Carlos on a bench outside of the school. He had been trying to disappear for the past five minutes, waiting for the lunch period to end.

“I don’t know,” Carlos said.

“I don’t know what happened,” Evie said, surely lying. Surely Mal told her everything. “But, it can’t be bad enough to ruin a lifelong friendship.”

“Nothing happened,” Carlos lied, “we just drifted apart.”

“Drifting apart does not look like this, Carlos,” Evie said. “I am not dumb.”

Carlos shrugged, “if Jay wanted to talk to me, I’m here.”

“You guys are both too stubborn for your own good,” Evie said, annoyed as she stood back up. “I miss you guys, I miss us as a foursome. Can you at least try to be civil again so we can hang out.”

“I’m civil,” Carlos said, although the thought of sharing the same space as Jay after everything made him feel physically sick. 

Evie looked doubtful, “I’ll believe it when I see it. I’ll see you later.”

Carlos nodded, watching her leave as the bell rang. The small crowd of seniors flaunting their ability to eat outside of the cafeteria started to stream back through the door, including Jay and his friends who Carlos hadn’t noticed before. For the first time since Jay got back, he caught Carlos’s gaze as it followed him. Carlos looked away quickly.

\---

Living next to Jay used to be Carlos’s favorite thing about his house. Before everything happened, Carlos spent more time at Jay’s house then his own. After school, he’d drop his bag off in his doorway before walking the short distance to Jay’s where he’d spend the rest of the day. It was an excuse to get away from his mom, at first, but that didn’t matter eventually. He just liked spending time with Jay.

Now passing Jay’s house everyday on the way back to his own, pretending not to search for evidence of Jay as he held his breath, felt like some sort of inhumane torture. It felt wrong to see Jay’s skateboard sitting on his porch and not take that as a cue to run in without knocking like he once would. Now he just passed the house, dropped his bag in his own doorway and headed up to his room where he’d try not to spend his evening staring out the window waiting for Jay to appear.

\---

“You don’t have to wait for me,” Jay once said, walking up the pathway to his house where Carlos sat on the steps.

“I’m not going to break into your house,” Carlos said.

“It’s not breaking in,” Jay said, “you basically live here.”

Carlos smiled, shaking his head as he followed Jay into the familiar kitchen. His chest felt warm as he sat at the island, feeling more comfortable in Jay’s kitchen then his own. He knew the routine, Jay was going to grab two sodas and toss him one. They’d discuss their plans for the day, movie or game? The ease of their relationship felt natural, even as Carlos felt himself looking at Jay differently those days.

Even that felt sort of natural. 

“Practice sort of drained me today,” Jay said with a yawn, “let’s just chill.”

“Sounds good to me,” Carlos said, pretending not to watch too closely as Jay stretched casually. “Should we watch something?”

Jay shook his head, “no, I don’t want to think. Let’s just vibe.”

“Chill and vibe,” Carlos teased, “you must be exhausted, you sound like a surfer dude.”

“I am,” Jay said with a laugh, “come on, let’s go to my room.”

“Alright, dude,” Carlos said in a fake accent. Jay rolled his eyes, hitting Carlos on the shoulder on their way past him. Carlos hit him back, chasing him up to his room where they both collapsed on his bed.

“Didn’t I say I was tired,” Jay said with an exaggerated yawn, “let’s take a nap.”

“Okay,” Carlos said, curling up so he was facing Jay. For a moment that felt like both forever and a second, they just stared at each other before Jay stretched out and closed his eyes. 

“Good night,” he said.

“Good night,” Carlos replied, eyes still open and prepared to just watch Jay for the rest of the evening.

\---

Evie was right, and Carlos knew that but it didn't make it any easier. He still felt like he was slowly marching towards his inevitable doom. What the doom was, he didn't know, he just knew you didn't get to mess with people the way he had and get away with it. 

Sometimes he'd see Jay in passing, in the hallways, on his way home, or through his bedroom window and he'd think about what he'd say if he was brave enough. He'd watch Jay skate off, probably to meet the soccer guys, and wonder what Jay would do if Carlos ran out to meet him like he'd used to. The potential that Jay would ignore him hurt too much, so Carlos always stayed where he was.

He didn't even know what he'd say, an apology felt too weak. Any explanation would feel shallow, he couldn't just brush off the summer as a lapse in judgement. It didn't feel right to either Jane or Jay., but the truth, well... that would be too hard to say.

\---

Carlos sat in his room, watching Jay and his father pull out of their driveway. They were on the way to the airport where they would catch a plane to Europe and Carlos would not see them again until August. Yet, Carlos hadn't even said goodbye.

Things between him and Jay got progressively worse after the whole thing that was prom. Carlos hadn't even seen Jay when hanging out with Mal and Evie, their foursome somehow turning into a threesome with Jay and Carlos taking turns being the third. When he had heard, through Mal, that Jay was going with his father to Europe for the summer, it felt like the final nail in the coffin.

Maybe it was a little self obsessed to think that Jay had decided to spend the entire summer with his dad, who he found annoying most of the time, because he was avoiding Carlos, but he couldn’t think of any other reason why. Carlos had managed to push Jay so far away that he’d rather disappear for the summer than deal with trying to avoid him from his own backyard, and he didn’t even tell Carlos himself.

Maybe it was that self loath inducing thought process that made Carlos do what he did when his phone went off with a text from Jane. It was a simple “hey”, the first word she had said to him since school let out and they had an awkward goodbye in the hallway. The ended the school year hovering in an awkward place between acquaintances and more than friends, so an “hey” wasn’t entirely out of place.

As Jay’s car disappeared around the corner, and Carlos realised he was really alone for the whole summer and that it was all his fault, he responded to Jane’s text with a simple “wanna hang out”.

It wasn’t supposed to be much more than that, but as he spent more time with Jane it just got more comfortable to float in that between the worlds of friends and more than friends. He started to convince himself that perhaps he had done the right thing, that the whole thing with Jay had been some hormone induced fluke and he could really like Jane. 

As least he could convince himself as long as Jane stayed a safe distance away both physically and emotionally. When things got more intense, like when Jane looked at him with those eyes that said so much without saying anything, Carlos felt the wrongness of the whole thing come over him like a bad storm. The truth was, every second he had spent with Jane, he had spent wishing she was Jay.

\---

Carlos had fallen asleep at some point, waking up at his desk where he had sat down to work on a paper but ended up watching some Youtube videos until he passed out. It was getting dark, and Carlos mentally beat himself up for wasting his afternoon away as he stretched. Instinctively, he looked out his window to Jay’s house and saw a couple unfamiliar cars in the driveway. This was the most interesting scene he had witnessed in his stalking episodes so far, so he quickly crossed his room to his bed that sat beside the window. 

He saw Jay opening the front door for a small group of guys, soccer players probably. He smiled his charming smile that Carlos could see from this far away, welcoming the small group into his home. Carlos felt a pang of jealousy, wishing he was the one being welcomed back into Jay’s house instead of his stupid soccer friends.

He was clearly having a party, one that Carlos was not invited to.

\--- 

“I just think it’s not a big deal,” Jay said, annoyance clear in his voice. Carlos was confused, watching Jay pace back and forth from where he sat on Jay’s bed. 

He didn’t know how things had gotten to where they had, with Jay being annoyed and pacing and telling Carlos it wasn’t a big deal.

It felt like a big deal, it felt like the biggest deal in the world.

Instead Carlos shrugged it off, “exactly, it’s not a big deal. So why do we have to talk about it.”

Jay stopped pacing, staring at Carlos like a wounded animal. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, no one is going to think it’s a big deal. It’s the 21st century, Carlos.”

Carlos shook his head, “I just... it’s fine like this. It’s just an us thing, no one needs to know.”

Jay let out a loud sigh, “people are already assuming something is going on between us.”

The idea of that sparked a panic in Carlos, although he had known it to be true already. He had heard the whispers too, and saw the looks that Mal and Evie exchanged every time Jay and Carlos did anything. What if everyone started to think of Carlos differently because of it? What if the whispers got to his mom? 

The whole thing made breathing feel difficult as he sat in Jay’s room, feeling the end of everything quickly approaching.

“I just...” Carlos said, searching for the right words to say that would convince Jay that it wouldn’t be worth it. “I don’t... know if I really... like... you. Like that.”

That was a lie, but it was all he could come up with in his panic. He didn’t look at Jay’s face after he said it, and he wouldn’t look at Jay’s face as he ran out of the room. The next time he would see Jay, he was already romantically attached to Jane.

\---

Something about seeing Jay’s house full of people made Carlos want to go down there himself. It’s not the first time the thought had popped into his head, that he should just go down there and knock on Jay’s door. It felt like, if everyone else was invited, another knock wouldn’t be too much of a surprise. Jay would have to answer the door.

Then, his phone went off with a text from Evie to the group chat. It was nonconsequential, a little comment on how she wanted to go to the new vegan place that had opened up in town, but it felt like a sign for some reason. Maybe because Carlos knew that Evie meant that she wanted to go with everyone, including both Jay and Carlos, and that she had explicitly asked Carlos to stop being so stubborn. Either way, Carlos found himself standing up. Another car pulled in front of Jay’s house, and there was Jay again, opening the door with his winning smile.

But not the smile that Carlos had seen from him so often back in the spring, no that was a more genuine smile that felt specially reserved for Carlos. He wondered, if he showed up on Jay’s doorstep right then, which smile he would see.

\---

Carlos still felt at home on Jay’s porch, his skateboard by the door as it usually was when he was home. The cars in the driveway, and the sound of guys laughing that obnoxious guy laugh, seemed out of place as Carlos tried to get up the nerve to press the doorbell. He didn’t have to, though, because the door opened on it’s own and there stood Jay.

“Oh,” he said, clearly surprised. “Uh. Hi.”

He looked behind him quickly before stepping onto the porch and shutting the door behind him. “What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know,” Carlos admitted, all of his prepared speeches flying out of his head. “I just... wanted to see you.”

Jay frowned, waiting for Carlos to explain further. Waiting for that apology that was more than past due.

“I’m sorry,” Carlos said finally.

“For what?” Jay implored, his eyes betraying a glint of hope that caught Carlos off guard.

“For everything,” Carlos managed to choke out, “for being an idiot, for lying to everyone but especially you. I am mostly sorry for waiting so long to apologize.”

“You lied to me?” Jay asked, confused.

“I...” Carlos trailed off, realising what he had to say now. This whole time he had been so bent on apologizing he didn’t realize what Jay actually wanted to hear, that whatever had been between them in the spring had been a big deal. “I said I didn’t think I liked you, like that. I did. I do. I’m sorry.”


	3. cardigan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy :)

_I knew you  
Tried to change the ending  
Peter losing Wendy_

_..._

_when I felt like I was an old cardigan_   
_Under someone's bed_   
_You put me on and said I was your favorite_ _  
_

**\---**

“I said I didn’t think I liked you, like that. I did. I do. I’m sorry.”

Well, that was what Jay had been waiting all summer to hear, wasn’t it? So, what did he do now?

\---

Jay realised he had feelings for his best friend that went beyond friendship somewhere in his freshman year of high school. At the time, he chose to ignore them because it would just make things complicated between them. Fast forward to his junior year, and simply ignoring it had turned into creating a persona for Jay to pretend to be while around other people. Ignoring his feelings had turned into him keeping any sort of feelings pretty well locked up, afraid that if he let a little bit leak out, it would all come out and it felt too late for that.

The thing was, Jay wasn’t afraid of people knowing he was gay. It’s just that if they knew, then it’d be pretty obvious that he liked Carlos, and he didn’t want that to happen so it was easier to be straight. Then he got a little drunk, and ruined it all.

\---

It was dark, the glow from the streetlights lining the sidewalk guided the two of them towards Jay’s house. They were both more than a little drunk from the party that Jay had convinced Carlos to go to because he hadn’t wanted to go alone, and because he had wanted to go with Carlos. 

They were laughing about something when a small cat darted in front of them, visible in the light for just a moment before disappearing. Carlos let out the cutest little “oh” before running ahead to where the cat had been.

Jay paused, watching Carlos kneel in the light, making little cat noises as he held out a welcoming hand. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight, feeling the all too familiar adoration for his best friend and because he was drunk, he didn’t even try to escape it.

The cat, surprisingly, came out of its hiding spot. Carlos’s face broke out into the most beautiful smile as the cat nuzzled his hand. He whispered something that Jay couldn’t hear to the cat before letting out a small laugh.

The moment felt charged as Jay stood there watching Carlos pet this stray cat, his eyes practically sparkling in the streetlight, and Jay was drunk which is why he said what he said next.

“God, I love you,” he said, almost so quiet no one could hear him but Carlos did.

He looked up at Jay, his eyes wide just as a car passed them and the cat ran in fear leaving Carlos and Jay staring at each other in equal bewilderment. Jay started to apologize, walk back his words, but Carlos interrupted him.

“Okay,” he said plainly, looking back at the bushes where the cat had disappeared. “Okay.”

\---

What did “okay” mean? It meant “okay”. It meant that they didn’t mention it for a couple days, but every interaction between the two of them felt different. It meant they couldn’t shake the charged feeling of that night in the glow of the streetlight. It meant that when Carlos slept over, sharing the bed as they usually did, Jay could pull him closer and they both knew what that meant.

It meant Carlos liked him too.

Or at least, that’s what Jay thought. 

\---

Maybe if they had actually talked about what was happening between them, Jay wouldn’t have been so blindsided. Because when Jay kissed him, a couple months after his confession, it sure felt like Carlos liked him.

They were sitting on Jay’s couch in his living room, his dad long gone on some fantastic trip, and taking a break from playing video games. Jay was venting to Carlos about some guy on the soccer team who had gotten on his nerves earlier that day. Carlos was sitting with his legs up on the couch, turned to face Jay completely. In the middle of a story, Jay was caught by the sudden urge to kiss him.

It had been long enough, he thought as he stopped talking. Carlos looked at him curiously, tilting his head in this adorable motion. 

“Sorry,” Jay said, suddenly nervous. The space between them obnoxiously large suddenly, he wanted to get closer to him but didn’t know how to do it casually. Ultimately, afraid that he’d lose the moment, he unceremoniously scooted closer to Carlos. He no longer looked confused as he didn’t make a move to scoot away, which Jay had feared he would.

Feeling more confident, Jay leaned in, pausing for a moment to make sure Carlos was on the same page before closing the gap between them completely. The best way to describe that first kiss was comfortable, like it was where they both belonged, and when they pulled apart they were both grinning.

\---

“Does it hurt,” Carlos asked, referring to Jay's injured ankle that was wrapped in a cast. Jay had just gotten home from the emergency room where he had been brought after a pretty bad fall during practice earlier that day. Carlos had been sitting on his front steps with a slice of cake from their favorite bakery in town.

“Not as much as it’s going to hurt not being able to play on Friday,” Jay groaned, frowning as he leaned back in his bed. 

“I’m sorry,” Carlos said, “that was a lame question.”

“You can ask as many lame questions as you,” Jay said with a smile, “you brought me cake.”

Carlos laughed, “well then, can I...?”

He gestured to Jay’s bed, asking if he could join him. Jay nodded, scooting over so Carlos lay beside him. “You didn’t have to ask,” he said.

Carlos shrugged, laying on his side so he was facing Jay. “You said I could ask stupid questions.”

Jay laughed, forgetting about the pain of the injury or his upcoming game that’d he’d have to miss as Carlos scooted closer to him. 

“I can’t imagine how they’re gonna win without you,” Carlos said quietly, his hand drifted over to mess with the fabric of Jay’s shirt. “You’re like... the best soccer player in the world.”

“Oh, Carlos, you always know the right thing to say,” Jay teased, turning over as much as he could without bothering his ankle to face Carlos. “It’s not really reassuring to know that my injury is going to cause my team to lose, we are a team.”

“Well, I’m not wrong,” Carlos said.

“You’re not,” Jay laughed. 

Carlos was still playing with his shirt, every so often his hand with graze Jay’s bare skin and it would feel like his touch was a thousand degrees. They laid there for a moment, the miserable events of the day far gone from Jay’s mind as the proximity of Carlos finally got to him and he pulled him in for a kiss. 

It was always so easy, in moments like that, he couldn’t imagine anything going wrong.

\---

Jay knew he couldn’t force Carlos to come out, which is why he didn’t complain too much about the secrecy of their relationship. As the time went on, however, and things between the two of them seemed to solidify into a real relationship, he thought they could at least tell Mal and Evie.

That’s when he realised the real problem, Carlos’s unwillingness to call what they had a relationship. Even with this, Jay assumed that Carlos was just being overly anxious. Of course they were dating, they spent most of their time together and they kissed a lot. What else constituted a relationship? Other than, of course, calling it a relationship.

Which turned out to be rather important to Jay, along with telling Mal and Evie and really anyone else who would listen. Jay was happy, like really happy, and the fact that he couldn’t share why was putting a bit of a damper on it all.

But everytime he tried to bring it up to Carlo, he shut it down.

And then he started to pull away, making excuses as to why he couldn’t hang out some days even though Jay knew he didn’t have any other friends. It was mostly school work that he’d use, but where did all this homework come from suddenly?

And then, when Jay got fed up with Carlos’s distance and growing silence, Carlos shut it down completely.

“I don’t... know if I really... like... you. Like that.”

\---

Nothing really made sense in the space of time following Carlos running out of his room and the end of the school year. Carlos was going to prom with Jane, someone who he had never heard Carlos talk about before. She seemed overjoyed about it, though, despite the obvious cover up that it was. Carlos stopped talking to him, or Jay stopped talking to Carlos. It wasn’t really clear, they just stopped talking.

How does a lifelong friendship end in a moment? 

\---

“Oh, Jay,” Mal’s voice was laced with heavy sympathy as she pulled Jay into a hug. He had just arrived back from his miserable summer in Europe, during which he spent more time looking at his phone for a message from Carlos then looking at the sights that he followed his father around. 

He knew a couple things from his calls with Mal, one was that Carlos had spent the entire summer with Jane. 

It didn’t make sense, but maybe Carlos really liked her. Maybe whatever Jay had had with Carlos was nothing but a teenage experiment for him, even if it was far from that for Jay.

“You should’ve seen it,” Mal said, as they sat down in her kitchen. “Jane looked mortified, it was honestly so sad.”

“Wait, what happened?” Jay asked, feeling like he was missing a lot of this story.

“Oh, sorry,” Mal said, “the camping trip, I texted you about it. You might have already been on the plane though, it ended terribly. I think Carlos broke up with Jane.”

“Oh,” Jay said flatly, trying not to read too much into it. 

“Exactly,” Mal said with a frown, “I haven’t seen him since, I’m worried about him.”

Jay just nodded, still thinking about this new piece of information. Carlos had broken up with Jane, Carlos didn’t like Jane. Maybe Jay had been right, maybe Carlos never liked Jane.

“You should talk to him,” Mal said quietly, as if she was scared of his reaction.

Jay shook his head, “I can’t.”

“Why?” Mal said. “Whatever happened can’t be that bad.”

Mal didn’t know, but Jay was pretty sure she knew anyway. Still, he guessed she didn’t know just how bad it was. If Carlos had been telling the truth, that he never really liked Jay like that, then what he had done sucked. A lot.

But if he had been lying... Well, that would suck too.

\---

Being back at school felt weird without Carlos by his side, and even worse seeing him in the hallways and staying his distance. Sometimes, he’d catch him watching him, and for a moment Jay would almost cave but then Carlos would look away. He always looked so hurt, like Jay had done something to  _ him _ .

Jay filled the Carlos shaped hole in his life with his soccer friends, eating lunch with them, going out with them after school, and inviting them over to his house so he could avoid the constant emptiness of his absent father. The only problem was that none of these friends really fit into that hole, it was like trying to put a circle in a cube. It wasn’t working, he could always feel the absence of Carlos in his life.

He felt it most at night, when his friends were gone, none of them nearly close enough to spend the time. He’d lay awake listening to the emptiness of his house, feeling the chill of the empty space beside him. It was then that he’d think about Carlos and if he felt it too, because he had to. You don’t just lose a friend and move on, he had to come back eventually.

This was just temporary, Jay told himself as he tried to sleep. Carlos would be back.

He had to.

\---

It was what Jay had wanted to hear back in the spring, but after everything, was it enough?

Yes, it was.

“Me too,” Jay said. 

Carlos smiled a wobbly grin, “I’ve missed you so much, Jay. I’m such an idiot, I thought I knew what I wanted but I don’t know anything. I just know that every second since I left your room has been a living hell, and I’ve missed you more than anything in the world.”

“You  _ are _ an idiot,” Jay said, “but that’s okay. Aren’t we all?”

Carlos shrugged, “I guess so.”

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Jay said frankly, stepping closer to Carlos but looking back at his house where surely someone was peaking through the window.

“Okay,” Carlos said with a hesitant smile.

“Okay?” Jay asked, although he knew what it meant. 

He always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, this was incredibly self indulgent and overly poetic/artsy so i hope someone out there appreciated that as much as i do

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :)


End file.
